By 2013, 288 million people will be using VoIP phones, came the futuristic prediction today from market research firm In-Stat that will see us move a step closer to Matrix-style living.

But seriously, there must be loads of industries completely done over by new technological developments.

What about telephone companies once mobile phones hit the market? I don’t think I know anyone with a landline anymore, except for my parents.

Mobile phone companies must have thought they’d hit the jackpot when texting first launched at 10p a pop, until social network sites let all the teenagers communicate for free with their mates.

I suppose these companies have gained again really with the advent of mobile internet, but all of it brings again another problem/benefit; depending on who you are: relationship infidelity.

I read this article yesterday, which if you want to you can read here, and it may have just been my maudlin Monday afternoon mood, but I think it put into permanent words many depressing truths, and managed to kill off whatever romantic slivers still remained in me.

Aren’t ecards great? Who really bothers to send real cards now through the post?

Mums, that’s who. And they expect the same in return.

Mums would be horribly offended to receive ecards on Mother’s Day. They would deliberately not check their emails that day, especially if they suspected that you may have sent them an ecard.

This is because mums feel that you should feel incredibly indebted to them; they gave you life ergo you should be eternally grateful.

This is fine and fair enough really, but it depends on how you feel about life. Sometimes, some people feel like it would have been easier and better if they had never been born, and on this day must feel pretty resentful. But that’s not really their mum’s fault; things can go either way before you are born.

You can be born a talented fitty that oozes charm and sophistication, or you could be an introverted wreck, aesthetically challenged and angry at the world. The latter people must wish they could just send ecards and be done with it on Mother’s Day.

The thing about capitalism is, everything depends on money, and so human progress can be somewhat delayed if it’s not making money for the right people.

Say you have an amazing idea, something that is just simply so brilliant, but then you speak to some product designers, find out how much it would cost to manufacture it, and discover it costs too much to make.

There must be loads of brilliant ideas that just haven’t come to fruition because it’s not economically viable.

I’m going to tell you now about some ideas I have that I think, if made, would really enrich my life beyond belief.

I’m a big fan of attention. Not emotional attention, but physical. I love to have my hair stroked as I watch TV, or have a really nice massage. Ideally I’d have these things every night, but I’d settle for every other night.

I don’t have any human in my life that’s willing to indulge me in this kind of pleasure, so there’s the deficit; the need for a product.

Themed parties seem to me to show that as humans, we need to have a reason for things; a distraction from ourselves and our want and need to get together and have a knees-up. But they’re great nevertheless.

One of the best themed parties I went to was a couple of years ago and the theme was ‘dead Christmas number ones’. Someone turned up as Kirsty Maccoll, complete with a model speedboat protruding from a hat on their head. All in excellent taste.

But themed parties can go either way, really, and depending on the company you keep you can end up with a roomful of poncey overdressed idiots, or a room full of nothing except thin air.

That seems to be the way that people roll; they are either really, really up for dressing up and going to town on their outfits, buying all sorts of ad-ons and modifying their clothes for the do, or they categorical DO NOT WANT TO DRESS UP, believing themselves to be far too cool for such malarkey, or simply being too shy.

It’s also one of those things we do to mark ourselves out as humans by being cultured; man’s attempt to distance himself from his faeces.

Wouldn’t it be great if each year, along with the other mundane services that must be done; car service, boiler service, that kind of thing, you got a body service?

I’ve managed to quash my inner hypochondriac who plagued much of my teenage years during which time if I had a pain in my head I was convinced it was a tumour, or one bruise too many on my leg and I surely had leukaemia, but those nights I spent unable to sleep for fear that I would die in the night of my obvious ailments would have been eradicated if only I could have had a body service.

I’m sure such a thing exists, but it’s got to be expensive, so hardly anyone can afford it. What if they ran services at £20 or £30 a pop though? Surely everyone would sign up and they’d make a killing(!).

We are all dying, there’s no getting away from that, but no one wants to die prematurely and in pain. Unless your Thanos is sky high, you want to stay alive.

I think it’s a good idea. All this boiler service, car service malarkey is necessary I suppose, but what’s more necessary, your boiler or your life? Hmm?

Something that’s been annoying me recently is people spending lots of money when they don’t have to.

That is somewhat of an exaggeration; what I mean is that the recession has been good in many ways for the consumer, and not everyone’s taking advantage of it.

There are loads of money saving vouchers kicking around on the internet, and they aren’t even that hard to find.

Vouchers are for all kinds of popular pastimes and pursuits, but my favourites are restaurant vouchers and shopping vouchers, and this is because I’m a girl ergo I like eating nice food in restaurants and shopping, obviously.

Vouchercodes.co.uk is a great site; you can search for vouchers for a particular place or shop on the site, and have the 20 best vouchers emailed to you each week. These vouchers generally encompass all the usual restaurant chain favourites, Prezzos, Pizza Express, that kind of thing, as well as discounts for stores like Debenhams and New Look. Check it if you haven’t already!

Moohaa if I cause a recession everyone will think I'm the Messiah

People getting married, that’s who. But weddings are a waste of time really aren’t they?

Well, maybe more a waste of money than time, but still, for the couple, a waste of time too. All that time spent scrutinising wedding venues, wedding outfits, menus; whatever else you need to organise for a wedding.

Don’t get me wrong, I totally love a good wedding party, but then I like ANY kind of party, or any situation in which you can have a drink and a good time.

But with most of the weddings I’ve been to I couldn’t really care less about the people’s marriage. Good for them and all that, but I can’t really get excited about other people’s love lives.

So all the time people plough into making sure this is exactly right and that is perfect is a bit of a waste really, because for me weddings are like Christmases; they all roll into one, and it’s really hard to distinguish which wedding venues were for whose weddings, who served what food and what the weather was like. It gets worse when you have a relative who has had multiple weddings, as is common in my family.

Car hire is possibly one of the most stressful aspects of a holiday, even if, or as in my case, especially if, you are not the one driving.

There’s something about the roads abroad in the holiday destinations I frequented that is just impossible to understand, and natives’ driving is akin to the type I’ve seen from kids on the bumper cars on Clacton Pier.

But the worst part of it, for me, was the blame I faced when it was realised by whoever was driving that I didn’t know the way to the destination any more than they did.

Sorry, had I not mentioned I don’t have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the road systems in Portugal?

I’d sit quivering with an out-dated map that didn’t seem to correlate with any of the roads we had driven down, laden with blame and fear, while whoever was driving demanded to know whether we were on the right road.

A frantic few hours later we’d arrive at the resort stressed and in need of a holiday.

Some people think that money or love make the world go wound, but it’s actually sex that makes the world go round.

Money will buy things, bear with me on this oh patronised one, expensive things like flashy cars, designer clothes and even chauffeur hire if that’s your thing, and we all think we want it, don’t we?

Who wouldn’t want more money? Lots of it? No one. Why do we want it? So we can buy stuff, things; better things than we already have that will make us feel better, look better and enhance our lives. But still, inanimate objects nonetheless.

We want more money so that we can enhance ourselves. How we enhance ourselves is subjective and differs from person to person; a boob job here, a nice designer suit there, chauffeur hire or a massive great telly.

And we want to enhance ourselves to attract the best possible mate, one that will think we’re the best because we have all of this good stuff. And we want them to want to have sex with us.

"Wicked, now I'm gonna get loads!" squealed Mildred

Announcement from Christine Pratt, head of the National Bullying Helpline, about bullying allegations from  staff at Number 10 must have been about as welcome to the Labour party as an air conditioner to a Siberian.

And posh boy Cameron has leapt on the bandwagon in sheer delight, calling for investigations into office bullying at Downing Street and crossing his fingers in hope that something sinister is unturned. Oh how his chubby, ruddy, privileged little face must have lit up when he found out about Pratt’s announcements!

“Despite my leading in the polls, there is still the stubborn undercurrent amongst the great unwashed that insists on supporting bloody Labour,” he spat, stamping his privileged little feet.

“I must, must, must run with this possible slur on Brown’s character and make the most of it, lest another poster campaign of mine featuring my delightful bourgeois face is disastrously spoofed by those scum-of-the-Earth Proles.”

Unfortunately for the spoilt one, the latest poll from YouGov has found that Tory support has slumped massively, and the gap between the Tory Party and the Labour Party is at its smallest since December 2008.